Never Been a Best Friend

I’m a very closed off person to many but for the few that I do open up a little to, I’m always seen as a back up friend, part of the group, someone to lean on but never a best friend. I’ve never had that friendship forever, ’til death do us part kind of friendship. I’ve often thought I had gotten really close to it, but it just never worked out that way for me. 

I’ve analyzed myself time and time again, thinking maybe it’s my awkwardness, my variant collection of interests but I’ve come to the realization that being someone’s BFF is just not in the cards for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I do consider people very dear to me and i appreciate people who take the time to say “Hi” or “How’s your family” but it isn’t the same. 

As a child I’ve always yearned to have that one particular friend who I can be open with, show the truest form of myself to but I was awarded with some arrogant little pricks in my life. People who’ve back stabbed me, looked for ways to blame me for their insecurities and people who just generally didn’t care what happened to me. Now that I’m older, I don’t think I need anyone so deeply invested in my life but I’m looking back on my almost three decades on this earth and reflecting on why I was never anyone’s friend.

On most days i just pass it off as having little to no interest with people. It’s very difficult to engage and keep interested in a conversation with people nowadays, it’s all about who had this  and who’s better than who. It’s all a very big competition especially where women are concerned and for that I’m glad I don’t have a big circle. 

Now meaning to toot my own horn but I think I’m an alright friend to have. I care, I think about people’s well being and I’m loyal because honestly, I’m too lazy to concoct and implement sinister plans. I have stepped in countless times to help people in their time of need, in their darkest moments but I’m always left alone during mine. It’s something that woke me up a few years back, then I realized that I am not obligated to give any other human the benefit of my friendship. So now I choose wisely. People need to earn a friendship as harsh as it sounds, it is reality. A friendship is like a relationship basically and you can’t just give the best part of you away to people who aren’t worth it. 

At no point I have been considered anyone’s best friend regardless of what they might think. I read between the lines very well, especially those nights when I’m alone and have no one to call up to talk about the mundane things happening in my life. I used to be envious of other girls and their friendships when I was younger, wishing I had that special bond with that one person but experiences has taught me not to entirely trust another human.

I do have a very tiny circle and I appreciate them acknowledging my existence, my husband included and I think he is the core reason why not being someone’s best friend doesn’t really matter anymore. Whatever bond I would’ve had with a BFF, I think it’s called marriage for me. I do annoy my husband with a lot of things he doesn’t understand but he pretends to pretend he doesn’t listen and that’s good enough for me.

Getting older, friends may not seem as relevant as they did before. I think your family becomes closer to you more than anyone else, they have your back more than anyone else. That being said, it’s not like I have my entire family acquainted with my life. I’m still closed off and I’ll always be, a part of me will never completely trust me and I’m fine with that. Once a loner always a loner. But I do appreciate the people that take time out of their day to see if I’m alive or not and I’d do the same for anyone that I have respect for. 

xo, Kat

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