So it’s been almost a year since I started working on novellas(short novels). Till date I haven’t been able to publish much, and I feel like crap about it. It seems like I’m not working or I’m lazy but the truth is, I lose sleep over this. Despite not being able to self publish more than a few books on kindle, I am always working. My brain never stops and it’s exhausting.
My writing gets put on the back burner because I have parental priorities and other family type stuff to do. I know I should demand time to work, but I really can’t as I have absolutely no one to help me with the kids, and I cannot afford a babysitter or child care. So yes, my writing suffers due to being tired all the time, physically and mentally.
I often call it writer’s block but it’s just plain old exhaustion. I have many ideas and I’m always brainstorming them. I’m writing in my head all the time and sometimes it’s so intense that I leave it in a voice note on my phone or just write it down wherever I can find a piece of paper and pen. I am dedicated, and very passionate about telling my stories, unfolding the characters that came to life in my mind but….and there’s always a but…I need more time in a day.
I leave my house unattended at times and let the kids go wild in front of the TV just to get some work done and then I get stuck. I sit and stare at a blank page on my screen, typing out a few words then backspacing it. And I feel so horrible about myself. I keep saying I know I can do this, I have to be able to do this. All jobs are taxing and challenging and I view my writing as that. Challenge is good, it means I’ll learn something. What pisses me off the most is the fact that I’m always in a hurry to get things done around the house and with the kids so I can sit and let my thoughts flow through my fingers as I type away but when the time comes for me to do it…I am so damned tired.
I try to be as organized as I can be, truly but how do I keep up?
I think I’m very bad at plotting a good story. My stories usually gets sparked by an idea or a character that I’ve shaped in my head and from there it grows. Obviously the characters will have a story to tell and also there are always specific dialogues or situations that needs to be put into a story of mine. Without that particular thing, the story wouldn’t work, at least not the way I’m telling it.
So I know the beginning and I know the ending. I also know the conflicting and resolving parts, however while writing the novel, ideas about the story or characters begin to change. And then I have to change something, and then another thing needs to change. I completely loathe this about myself. Last night I reviewed two half written scripts of mine and decided I’m going to fix them and finish them once and for all and do you know what happened? Well for one I got tired and wanted to sleep and secondly, it appeared to be too much to fix. I forgot why I wanted to tell those stories anyway.
I don’t know if this is really block or not but it’s definitely something. Today is a new day, it’s also a long weekend. I wish myself luck on what I’m going to work on. Right now I’m going to start with a cup of coffee. Aahh! The best way to start anything right?
xo Coffee Doll