Way back when, I started blogging mainly to express my thoughts and feelings. My struggles with my own demons. And today, I’ve not been doing much of that. It’s because I’m no longer anonymous. I had to develop an online personality in order to network with the online community and since then, I’ve been also hiding a part of myself from my blog.
I’ve gotten so good at hiding when I’m down, sad, hurt. I reached expert level you can say. I don’t ever talk about the demons that crop up ever so often. I admit, it has gotten better with time. Better than it has a decade ago, but when it they come knocking, it takes me down. I’ve reached to the point where compartmentalizing is done more often that expressing. I cannot deal with pain, disappointment, suffering. I feel too much. It’s been one of my biggest flaws. Because I was a sensitive child, I was made to feel odd. I was told that I’m feeling sorry for myself, like it was my fault the way I was wired. Being an adult, I feel it more than ever–that I should keep things inside and not express them.
The reality is, no one wants to hear. They get tired of you having dark days. They think you’re not seeking help or you don’t want to be helped. Growing up I was made to believe that depression wasn’t really a real thing. There was just something broken in me that perhaps I’d broken myself. Most of my life, I’ve struggled to find out exactly what it is I did wrong to be this way.
I have no answers.
All I know is that it hurts. And I have to wear this smile all of the time. I have to be mindful of others. I have to shut my feelings off.