How to Be A Happier You

I initially started blogging to help people who really had no one to talk to or understand them. I really wanted my troubling feelings to be able to reach out to someone and help them through whatever difficult situation they were in. I am not saying that there are people out there who don’t have worse problems than mine but I honestly wasn’t in the right mental frame for a large portion of my life. The way I saw myself, the way I hated myself and had no confidence, and a mountain of insecurities, it affected my life deeply. It impacted the way I carried about myself, the way I dealt with people and situations and it took me a very long time to really come to terms with who I am and why I should not be insecure or ashamed of being a little different. When I say different here, I mean that I don’t fit the same skin as my peers or family so I often felt like I was strongly misunderstood.

About three years back I lost a really good friend of mine. Not to death or anything of the sort, it was a misunderstanding that I still don’t understand and don’t have the energy to get into. Nevertheless it was an eye opener for me. I realized that I’m the only one who can help me be strong, who can validate my own existence. I don’t like the idea of leaning on friendships to be happy because that’s like putting the key to your happiness in someone else’s hand. And that’s not right. You have to be your own referee. Having friends is awesome and it’s helpful but it’s also very liberating and strengthening to be able to pull yourself out of deep waters.

Here’s a few things that I reassessed about my own life which helps me continuously today in making better decisions and in waking up contented with my life even though there is a lot that I could be sad or mad about.

Respect Yourself

A lot of people hate hearing the words “love yourself”, especially when they’re at a really dark place in their life. I know I hated hearing it. How can you love yourself when everything seems to be falling apart? You have to learn to respect yourself. That is a much better term for what I’m about to explain. It means that you have to accept your own existence, your own purpose the way you accept other people. You are no less than another human being. This is one of the worst kinds of mind sets you can put yourself in.

Learn Yourself

You have to reach deep into yourself and learn who you are as a person. Learn what you stand for and which direction you want your life to be headed. Once you’ve come to terms with that, you need to start weeding out all negative aspects and anything that may be a hurdle in your way. I know this sounds like a difficult thing to do but it’s doable. You have to really want that change, you have to really want to be happy to garner that drive to make these changes.

Focus on Yourself

There comes a point in your life when you really need to stop listening to what other people are saying. It’s okay to listen and incorporate good advice into your life. I’m not advocating being a rude person but if what someone is saying is troubling or harmful to you in any way, you need to filter that out. I needed to stop being concerned about other people more than I was being concerned about myself. I needed to focus on me and my goals, my kids and what’s best for them. Reading into others’ negativity really wasn’t helping anything in my life. It was creating problems in places where there were none. The best thing you can do is focus so hard on your life and goals, until you can’t hear the negativity beating at your door.

I hope you found something helpful in what I shared today. These steps have really worked for me in the last several years. It’s helped me reach a level of maturity and security that seemed so far fetched before. If you take these three points into consideration, sooner or later you’ll realize your worth and once you do, then no one can snatch your happiness away from you. My life isn’t perfect at all. Most of our lives isn’t. There’s many things I could cry about on the daily but really working on myself as a person has helped me reach a significant level of contentment.

xo Kat

(c)Kat Degnich. All rights reserved.

 

Start by Writing Simple Stories

Recently I have been so engrossed with writing techniques and listening to other people on Youtube share their writing journey or publishing journey. My eyes have opened quite a bit since I have started pursing writing full on. I have all of these stories in my head and the need to get them out is sometimes, painful. I go through these period where I feel like a failure because all of these ideas mean something but it’s hard to choose which one is the most epic. In the middle of writing something, I feel it mundane compared to what I know I can do. Deep down we know our potential, and we can only get there through hard work and diligence.

Last year when I started writing my first book-like piece, I was under the impression that to write something good one had to be over-the-moon smart but after hearing some of my most admired authors’ stories, I’ve started seeing writing from a different perspective.

I’d like to share something I’ve noticed, and also experienced to people who are pursuing writing, as a hobby or as a career. This is for beginners like myself and comments/tips are always appreciated on this blog!

There’s a Youtuber that I look at from time to time who shares writing tips. Said Youtuber has a self-published book out and I thought to myself, “Wow, her book must be something great if her tips are that great.” So I went over to amazon and downloaded a sample of her book and do you know what I found? Within the first few paragraphs I saw that she broke the very rules she was telling people not to break. Over usage of metaphoric descriptions, too much telling.

I’m not here to bash on another writer’s book, it simply wasn’t for me. But that’s not the issue. From what I gathered, this author had to build an entire world and characters in them, and it was quite a lengthy task. I myself, as a novice writer have many epic story ideas but I won’t pursue them quite yet.

Building worlds, and writing about other worldly elements is quite a difficult feat. So if you’re just starting off like I am, go simpler. Learn your craft before you tackle anything too hard. I think it was JK Rowling that said you have to get out all of that bad writing out before you find your voice. It’s like that saying, practice makes perfect. And no piece of writing is bad writing. Never delete your work. It came from a genuine place and it would project in your story. Anything you don’t like, can be fixed but never delete it.

Happy Writing! Leave me a comment to let me know how your writing process has been thus far 🙂

xo Coffee Doll

Why does everyone hate turning 30?

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I am about two months shy of turning thirty, and most of my past classmates are too. More than a handful of people that I’ve spoken too has a negative view on turning thirty and it’s been really interesting to hear.

Of course, we as humans tend to set milestones for ourselves and thirty is that number where you’re officially an adult…nope not eighteen or twenty like we initially thought. Thirty marks a certain point in our lives where we enter new chapters and we do change a lot even though it doesn’t seem like it. I for one, have gotten a little better with skin care and the kind of food I eat. We tend to want to put more nutritional things into our bodies as well as practice a healthier lifestyle. Why? Because our body simply doesn’t work the way it used to. We can’t pull all-nighters then show up to work fine the next day.

Coffee also becomes your best friend, unless you’re completely anti-coffee then drink tea…lots of it. 🙂

Before I go off on a tangent let’s examine the reasons why people see turning thirty in a negative light.

Uncompleted goals. The goals we had realistically set for ourselves at twenty seem far-fetched and unrealistic. None of them ever came into fruition. We thought we’d have everything all figured out by twenty-five but five years later, we’re still hanging by a thread or even wanting to start new life goals.(like myself)

Sometimes self-realization comes at a later time in life than everyone else. It’s not something you should beat yourself up about. Til there is life…there is hope.

Fear of aging. Young people think you’re ancient and that you were never into cool music and fashion. Your time to shine has expired. This can sometimes weigh on your own impression of yourself. Your teens and twenties was a fun ride, and turning thirty seems to make you feel like it’s coming to an end. Thin of it as beginning another chapter. 🙂

Looks and Interior. Like I was saying above, we can’t survive on soda and burgers anymore and those lines of aging near our eyes are really coming to life at this point. Not everyone wrinkles at thirty, some people age like fine wine. Me however, I look like a tired train wreck all of the time, but it’s not something a little make up can’t cover up…*cough cough* I mean’t diet and exercise. Your body really changes. Yes it does. I get acid reflux all of the time that I only feel safe eating granola(true story). We know that somewhere between thirty and forty we’ll start looking a little older than we did in our twenties and for some reason it scares the crap out of us.

I think what it comes down to is a mixture of fear and disappointment of not having achieved everything we wanted to achieve at this point and entering a brand new decade with all of that baggage. The fear of uncertainty perhaps.

Turning thirty doesn’t bother me as much and it shouldn’t bother you. Stay true to yourself and keep focusing on those goals. Just think about it, we’ve had three decades of ups and downs, lousy teenage years or great ones…we’ve dealt with acne scars, heart breaks and we’ve made some of the best memories we’d ever have. Embrace yourselves get ready for your brand new decade….

xo Coffee Doll

 

 

The Monday Syndrome

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Good Monday y’all! Let’s talk about The Monday Syndrome. I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not, pardon me if it is but it’s the only term that comes to my mind.

No, I’m not referring to our grogginess on Monday mornings when life resumes and we have to leave those few minutes of a weekend behind. I’m talking about the Monday “Go Getter” Attitude. Sometimes we leave things for next month, or next year but most likely everyone has a “leave it for the beginning of next week” attitude. I’ll start gym next week Monday because it’s already Wednesday and the week is practically over or I’ll start my diet next Monday or I’ll start to write at the beginning of next week(that’s me by the way). Our lives are consumed by a “let’s leave it for Monday” attitude. Right? I can’t be the only one.

There are procrastinators and then there are people who just can’t seem to get a handle on their lives. I’m both by the way. I know I procrastinate but I have a sound reason. My children just won’t zip it enough for me to hear my own thoughts and I’m always busy running behind them that the few moments of procrastination just to hear myself think are gold. But seriously though, it is hard to juggle everything already going on in your life so when a new task arises, we leave it for next Monday.

Whatever it is we leave for next Monday shouldn’t always be left for next Monday. I know, I know. It’s hard to find motivation to get yourself moving but it’s important to understand why our brains think we can’t start things right now, right this minute. I think my way of thinking is so uniformed that if I start something in the middle of the week, I feel all sorts of panic, like I’m running out of time, like life on Earth is coming to an end.

Wanting to be a perfectionist can hinder your progress believe me. Sometimes you won’t be starting next Monday, you’ll be starting five Mondays from that Monday. Not seeing the bigger picture and focusing on current struggles(which describes my case of The Monday Syndrome perfectly) makes you want to jump out of your skin and not start anything. Maybe it’s the fear of failing and not so much the fear of starting. Another thing I get hit with hard from time to time(more often that not) is bad estimation of time. My brain fails to process that things take time to reach a level of satisfaction, hence I’ll kinda put it off until next Monday, and then the next until I’m a hot panicking mess.

Do you suffer from The Monday Syndrome? Leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear!

See you next Monday!(jk jk)

xo Coffee Doll

Image: Pixabay.com

 

Toxic Relationships

A while back, I wrote about toxic friendships and how to detect it on my blog and I’ve always wanted to touch on the topic of toxic relationships. Sometimes we tend to overlook some serious damage being done underneath the surface in hopes of things changing for the better. As usual I have to insert a disclaimer saying this post doesn’t speak for all relationships as many relationships survive its daily ups and downs.

 

Like toxic friendships, the toxicity in relationships aren’t always seen in black or white. A toxic partner wouldn’t necessarily harm you in a direct way such as abuse, cheating etc. There are grayed out areas in a relationship that you know and feel is not correct for you yet it’s hard to cut ties and move on. You may feel an intense love for your partner, and generally you both have a great time together. A few arguments here and there won’t raise any red flags so you continue to pursue this relationship even though deep inside you feel like an absolute wreck.

  1. Feeling Alone. Despite a relationship being a sort of partnership, one partner feels alone, insecure or even unwanted. A relationship is meant to make one feel fulfilled and add to one’s life. Otherwise, what’s the point?
  2. You’re a lesser half. When you constantly conform to your partner’s wants and needs, his/her opinions and your voice is never heard you tend to feel unimportant. Eventually this feeling of inferiority will lead towards you pleasing the other person through hell or high water yet the same won’t be done for you because you are always taken for granted.
  3. Controlling Partner. A controlling partner can act on a simple bout of jealousy or need for control and make you cut ties with your friends and families. It sounds silly writing it but I have seen it time and time again. I’ve even experienced a relationship like this. To be manipulated by your significant other and ignore everyone around you is unhealthy. Then you are truly alone.
  4. Jealousy. We all are flattered when our significant others express a form of jealousy but when does jealousy become too much? I personally think it’s absurd to have someone in your phone, emails, social media around the clock. If you can’t share trust, then what kind of relationship do you really have? And if you can’t trust the person you’re with, then why continue to pursue it?
  5. Dwelling on the past. We often joke about this and make memes about it when people conjure old arguments during a new one to turn tables on the other person. To be able to move forward in a relationship, there is need for forgive and forget. Dwelling on ancient petty matters won’t help the situation.
  6. Communication. If you can’t communicate yourself well in a relationship and establish your half of the partnership then you will eventually bottle up your feelings until you start resenting your significant other. This leads to treating your significant other sourly. So don’t brush the problem over with a brand new gift, deal with it. Find common ground and put yourself in the other person’s shoe.
  7. Lack of Respect. Last but not least I want to talk about respect. I feel like it’s something that’s overlooked in relationships nowadays. We think attraction and common interests will lead us down the road to love. Respect is a key factor in tying love, trust and communication together. Embarrassing your other half in front of people is disrespectful. If you have problems talk with each other and not about each other. Be mindful and respectful that this other person brings some sort of fulfillment in your life and appreciate that.

Thanks for reading! xo Coffee Doll

 

 

Why I Hate Giving Presents

I really hate giving gifts…no I despise giving gifts. It stresses me out to no end and it’s not because I don’t know how to think unique or read a person well enough to know what they’d like, it’s because the receiving parties can be somewhat of a b*tch. This has literally been my experience most of my life from my prepubescent period well into adulthood.

Doing gift exchanges at school were horrible because kids are mean and didn’t hold back when it came to insulting you. Not that they bought better gifts but they weren’t taught to appreciate and be grateful when receiving something. I however would’ve gotten a book on my head if I had shown any facial expressions that betrayed my gratitude when I received a gift. It’s just how I was raised.

I’d simply like to advise anyone who has a hard time giving gifts to difficult people to just not buy anything at all. A better option to go with is a bottle of wine around the holidays(if you do drink, I don’t) or something baked, or a board game for the entire family. Hell for birthdays give ’em a darn card. You might think me crass but I have good reason. I still do try to give gifts but it wrecks on my nerve thinking of how the person will receive it.

My reasons to hold this anti-gift giving campaign are shared below.

  1. Some people are just critical of everything. Even if they loved the gift, they don’t want to seem too enthusiastic so they’ll knock it a little bit. I am yet to understand everything about the way a human mind processes things.
  2. My gift didn’t cost enough. When I was in high school obviously I didn’t have a job and in the nineties and early 2000s things didn’t cost a lot so my allowance was near nil. They used to have these $10-$20 stores that sold a variety of gift items so I utilized what little I had tried to buy something small for everyone and by everyone I mean my closest family. I think that year, one cousin along with my siblings had something to say about the cost of their gifts. One gift even got left in my house because the person really didn’t care for it, or for my feelings. In my mid-teens it soiled whatever zeal I had for giving gifts out of the goodness of my heart.
  3. My gift wasn’t cool enough. Well obviously if you’re not super close to someone, you won’t know how to personalize a gift so you’ll generalize it. For example, socks or perfume. Well I saw the message loud and clear on their faces so I crossed them off my list. 🙂
  4. One gift isn’t enough. That sentence speaks for itself.
  5. My gift was given away. Can I just say that this happened more than once? Yes, it did. A decade and a half ago, I tried to save up to buy a silver bracelet for my friend. I wasn’t working and it was indeed difficult to ask my parents for it. I was excited that for the first time I was buying jewelry for someone and a bit costly so maybe they’d appreciate it. Well I was met by a nonchalant demeanor. The person wasn’t in the least bit enthusiastic or grateful. They just acted like they were too cool to receive a gift…..a gift that was hard to afford. A few weeks later, I saw my friend’s brother wearing it. Imagine my teenage heart being crushed!

Some people have a difficult time showing appreciation and gratitude as they feel it will make them somewhat less strong. I’ve also observed that some people wield large quantities of pride, and sometimes their ago might get in the way. All of this affects the way a person responds to receiving anything, not just presents but help or advice.

Thank you for reading!

xo Coffee Doll.

One-sided Friendships

According to statistics I don’t have what you would call a real friend. Most of the friendships that I have had in the past appear to be more acquainted in nature. I’ve never had that ride or die, bosom buddy kind of friendship. Nobody’s ever really had my back enough that I can put full faith in them. I used to be a tad bit delusional when I believed that people actually cared.

*This is not meant to be a sappy, sorry-for-myself rant. I thought it may be beneficial to someone who might find themselves in a similar situation…and no, I am not lonely. I have two kids…dear God…I…am…never…alone!*

Earlier on, I might have been disappointed and hurt over other people’s actions towards me but after being put through it time and time again, I’ve grown a thick skin. I’ve come to not put much expectation into people, especially ones that I’ve just met. If you’re ever in a situation that you feel like the inferior one, the one that’s not being paid attention to then you might want to reevaluate such friendships and relationships before they become a toxic thing in your life.

Read on to find out why I’ve decided to chuck a few people out of my life…

  1. You’re always doing them a favor. I find myself on this end of a friendship so much that it sickens me. If you’re always the shoulder to lean on when something fails in their life, or only check up on you when they need something done…then this my friend is a one-sided friendship.
  2. Long periods of no contact. When Life is peachy, your friend is hard to reach. Always busy, or battery dead.
  3. You feel alone. Despite having a “friend” you feel as though they don’t listen to you…hell they might not even know you. They don’t pick up on it if you’re having a bad day or are stressed out and they certainly don’t hear you when you voice your troubles. Unfortunately, you may be the four a.m. friend to call but there is no four a.m. friend for you.
  4. You never hang out. I’ve been in friendships where I never physically see the person. It’s always a call or a text to find out something or ask for something. Bottom line is if they don’t make time for you then you’re not that important.
  5. They never have your back. You know those times where you stand up for someone because you care enough for them….and then there’s those times when said friends couldn’t give a rats ass about what’s being said about you. They’ll listen to gossip, and sometimes encourage it….at this point that’s not even a friend.
  6. They take you for granted. They never express their gratitude or appreciation for you  despite always being there for them. They’ve come to feel entitled to your undivided attention and resources.
  7. You’re always wrong. How dare you counter their incorrect statement with actual evidence? You must be out of your mind.
  8. It’s always your fault. Friendships, like relationships have their own planet of arguments and disputes…but it’s always your fault, isn’t it?
  9. You’re the peacemaker. After an argument, you’re always the one to chuck your feelings out and maintain the peace. They’re never the first to approach you with an apology.
  10. They really don’t care. To them you are unimportant. It doesn’t matter what buttery voice they come at you with next, they simply don’t value you as an individual person with feelings.
  11. You are disposable. When you have that gut feeling that this friend can just drop you at any time and don’t look back….then yeah, you’re probably right about that.

 

xo,Coffee Doll

Hope you guys are having an amazin’ week thus far 🙂

 

Pros and Cons of Being A Stay-at-Home Mom

Motherhood is one of the most rewarding jobs you’ll ever have, however, like with any job, it can be overwhelming and downright frustrating. As I was writing how to be a productive SAHM, I made a mental list of the pros and cons of being a SAHM and felt like it deserved its own post. Some points play the role of both a pro and a con.

PROS

  1. The best thing about being a SAHM is getting to be with your kids all day, getting to witness everything that they do and learn on a daily basis.
  2. You’ll be present for all of their growing moments, first words, first steps,  and there is nothing greater than witnessing your child hit milestones for the first time.
  3. If your child falls sick, you’ll be there and not at work which may be hard to get out of.
  4. You can focus on a routine for your children and house, and get things done in an orderly manner compared to the stresses of working and coming home to tired and cranky children.
  5. You’re the sole caregiver for your child.
  6. It’s cheaper for most women to become stay-at-home moms as it is very costly for childcare and work hours are very demanding.
  7. You’re in control of how your activities and days are planned. You won’t have to worry about being called into work and having to organize a last minute babysitter.
  8. You get to teach your children and guide them in a way that you see fit and it’ll be consistent as kids can get confused with different rules.
  9. There’s no one looking over your shoulder telling you what to do or how to do it. You’re your own boss.

CONS

  1. You’re never alone. You can’t use the bathroom without an audience and sometimes you have to skip a shower and swallow your meals.
  2. You almost never get “me time” to do anything for yourself and if you’re like me, you don’t have girls night out either.
  3. Your job never ends. You’re working 24/7 and you’re exhausted most of the time.
  4. You tend to get bored and frustrated living the same routine day after day.
  5. When your social life ceases to exist after motherhood, it’s really awkward and difficult to make friends. You WILL miss engaging in social activities and having adult conversations that don’t involve kids.
  6. When they start fighting, misbehaving and talking back to you, you’ll want to rip your hair out. You’ll be stressed beyond belief.
  7. Living on one income is not an easy thing to manage and you may often feel like a failure, like your life is not reaching anywhere.
  8. It’s been almost five years since I’ve worked outside of my home and it literally feels like forever. I feel like the unemployment gap only worsens your chances of getting back out there, however I hope I’m wrong.

One suggestion that I always make in my SAHM posts is to get a hobby, whether it be joining a gym, writing, painting etc. When you have something to call your own, apart from your family life, it’s a way to cope when the going gets tough. I love to wind down by day by reading just before I sleep. It’s a relaxing way to calm your thoughts before bedtime. That’s just what works for me. If you have girlfriends, organize outings or activities that are not kid related. Even though both things are closely related, in order to be a happy mom, there needs to be a balance between caring for your family and caring for yourself.

xo Coffee Doll

Toxic People in Your Life

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I couldn’t always detect the toxicity in people, hence I allowed their venomous aura to infect my life and cause chaos. Toxic people can present themselves in a very sheep-like manner leaving you feeling like the villain for being stressed, annoyed and sometimes disgusted by them.

Not all toxic people intentionally cause harm. Sometimes they are unaware of how toxic their behavior and words are, and other times, they can revel in your destruction. It’s important to detect and filter such people from your life. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and that’s perfectly okay. The most important thing is you…and your peace of mind.

Here are some ways you can detect a toxic person in your life:

  1. Second Guessing their intentions. If you feel miserable or bothered after a conversation with someone you consider a friend, then there’s a high chance that person is probably a toxic person. You may find yourself second guessing their intentions or loyalty.
  2. Constantly putting you down. You may feel like nothing in your life will ever seem good enough in this person’s eyes. They’re constantly putting your ideas and decisions down. And in most instances it comes off as a bit of envy but you’ll also second guess that maybe your choices really aren’t good enough.
  3. Lack of Confidence. Somehow this person thrives on your lack of confidence and is happy that you see yourself as they see you. Your independence and success may tend to eject negativity out of this person.
  4. Always competing. Competition is good until a certain point but if a person is always trying to one-up on everything possible, like the way you drive or the way your eyebrows are shaped, that’s toxicity.
  5. Manipulation. You may be blamed for something that goes wrong in your life and you will eventually believe it. You may also be manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do or shouldn’t even do, and yet you feel like a horse’s ass if you don’t. You don’t owe anyone anything.
  6. No apologies. One day you may feel like you deserve an apology and it’ll never come, because that person is always right, always has the upper hand and you have to constantly prove yourself to them.
  7. No remorse. They won’t show any remorse even when they knowingly caused you harm.
  8. Their word is law. They’ll judge you for the one thing wrong about you and it’ll  outweigh all of the good things about you. They tend to exaggerate your shortcomings and make you feel inferior and incompetent.
  9. Always about them. You know how you’re that four a.m. call and there’s no one else that you can call at four a.m. when shit hits the fan in your life? Yeah, it’s always about them and it’s always going to be about them. Even when they’ve wronged you, they’ll find some narcissistic way to turn the tables and make it all…about…them.
  10. Harm. Then there’s the toxic people who blatantly cause harm to you. Backbiting, betrayal, gossiping, you name it. They cause chaos in your life, chaos among your friends or family.

In my experience, the best way to deal with toxic people is to create a distance between them and yourself. Such people aren’t your friends and don’t have your best interests at heart. If you do feel like the person isn’t completely toxic but slightly alarming, hash it out and see if it’d work but if those red flags go up…cut them loose. Anyone that treats you less than your worth or disturbs your sense of peace isn’t right for you, whether it be friends, family or a significant other. It does more harm than good to force a relation that isn’t bringing you camaraderie. The last thing you want is for all of their negative vibrations to cast a net over how you see yourself.

xo Coffee Doll