New Anxieties

I did a post some time back about having someone hovering over my shoulder or just casually standing behind me. People responded to it, so I guess I’m not the only one that feels a mixed surge of annoyance and anxiousness by it. Lately, I’ve been growing a special distaste for answering phones, but it’s the knocking on the door that really sets in my anxiety. I start sweating, heart rate increases and I can’t understand why. Is this introverting being kicked into over drive?

It’s hard to say. I’m better at having conversations now, although it’s still very awkward unless they are with people I’m totally comfortable with. But why is the knocking on the door such a trigger for me lately? I feel such fear and agitation. If I’m not expecting a package or I know the whereabouts of my husband, there is no reason why someone would knock, especially at night. It happened twice recently. Me and the kids were home alone, and it was way past the time any neighbor or sales person would knock. The knocks were soft, and then they stopped. Of course I didn’t open the door with sweaty palms and shaky words. I dimmed the lights and told my kids to stop shouting.

It scares me that my behavior might project onto them one day.

I’m trying to understand the root of the problem, and I think it has to do with high crime rate hitting close to home. What I mean is, there are so many things happening daily that it triggers some over protective force inside of me. The anxiety also comes from interacting with strangers who knock on the door and won’t go away. Have you ever had a sales person knock on the door who refuses to go away until you sign something or buy something? It’s happened to me on countless occasions. People from groups looking to recruit members, people who walk around insisting you change your utility service shoving papers and pens in your face.

Already a very awkward human, I’m reaching a stage in my life where I just don’t want to interact with someone if I don’t necessarily need to.

There’s more to this topic, but I need some lunch. So until then, Happy Monday and don’t forget to leave me a comment if you have similar experiences.

Xo Kat

How Has Bullying Impacted Your Life?

It would appear that I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging but I haven’t. Whenever life gets busy, my blog suffers. So, I saw this video with a young kid practically breaking down about how he’s being bullied at school. Firstly, I applaud him for speaking out. Secondly, bullying is a topic I’m deeply passionate about although I don’t always speak of my own personal struggles with it. Well, the video inspired me to share how bullying impacted my life in the last decade and a half.

I don’t think I was ever a strong person, my emotions were out of control. I allowed myself to feel deeply, and let things stab at my soul. It goes all the way back to my childhood where I really wasn’t exposed or taught to handle meanness. Then high school happened. High school happened to a lot of us, right? I didn’t know how to deal with bullying, I didn’t even understand bullying. I felt ashamed of myself that people were saying and thinking such horrific things about me. And back then, it was harder to voice an opinion about what I was dealing with. High school, all the way up until my early twenties was a downward spiral. It was like ripping my nails off trying to claw out of an angry vortex.

If you’ve ever been bullied, how have you coped with it? It was terrible before I learned how to properly deal with it. As I mentioned, I was ashamed of myself. It impacted me in such a way, I felt that I shouldn’t live, I shouldn’t exist. There was a point in my life where I wanted it to be over. I couldn’t foresee a contented future, a happy one. I began to think I didn’t deserve someone’s kindness or appreciation. Bullying impacted me so negatively, it consumed my life. Believe it or not, I started to bully myself. I started to believe I wasn’t smart enough to accomplish anything, I wasn’t good enough to be seen in public. It was painful for me to leave my house, let people see my face. I felt hideous, I felt wrong.

Bullying left a stain on me, and I could never stand up for myself, or even be myself. I found myself adopting fake personalities to be better accepted. At thirty years old, I’m now in a place where I appreciate my own differences, flaws, creativity. I’ve learned to keep away from drama and negative people. I’m an introvert as you’ll probably see from reading my blog, and I love that. I’m comfortable, contented. But it wasn’t an easy task climbing out of the darkness. I won’t lie, it’s still present some days, but I think maturity and responsibility has taught me a different perspective.

As always, thanks for reading. Have a great week ahead.

xo Kat

Hovering Irritates the Daylights Out of Me

I’ve never really been conscious of this until recently and I think it stems from something in my childhood. I really hate people standing too close behind me or hovering if you will. I’m sure it happens to a lot of other people, just none that I know of personally. It may seem like such a trivial matter so I don’t always talk about it but lately, it’s been getting out of hand. And it’s not just strangers either, it’s anyone, family members etc. I don’t have this issue with my kids standing behind me, however.

Due to it’s mass effect of my life as a writer, because I sit at my computer a lot, I’ve been wanting to write about it and carefully explore why I feel this way. More than just irritating, it’s borderline aggravating and gives me anxiety. My hands start shaking and I feel this intense need to lash out, almost like I’m defending myself from something or someone. I try so hard not be this way, but I can literally tell someone to “fuck off” from just standing behind me.

I’ve been thinking about it recently and I brushed it off as maybe PMS or just lack of sleep, you know general moodiness. But there’s nothing moody about the way hovering triggers something so profound inside of me that I can’t completely comprehend or explain. I dug a little deeper into my past and my reasons for getting anxiety by a person just walking or standing behind me has become so much more clearer, although I’m no expert and maybe I’m wrong. But I think I can pinpoint a few scenarios that gave me anxiety during childhood that may have a connection.

Number one. During tests or exams, we’d have these instructors walking up and down the classroom, HOVERING over students’ shoulders, reading what they were writing. I mean come on, most of us think we’re writing crap and wouldn’t even read over our work before handing it in. Having someone hovering over your shoulder, judging and making faces while you’re writing a test that may affect your entire academic future is nerve wrecking. I think this is one of the instances where innocently, a teacher hovering put some sort of fear into me, and perhaps that’s why I’m always so embarrassed to let people read my fiction writing.

Exposure. Having someone looking over my shoulder makes me feel exposed, it really does. People are entering my personal space and from behind me where I can’t see their reactions in real time, leaves me with a feeling of vulnerability and mistrust. Perhaps, my experiences in life makes me mistrusting as well as the lack of privacy I had during childhood and teenage years. I know what you’re thinking, children don’t need privacy. Oh but they do in way. Thoughts and feelings should be private and not scrutinized. Children shouldn’t be dictated not to feel or think a certain way. I had very little control of these kind of things and for a long time I had to suppress who I really am.

It’s a far connection to feeling traumatized by someone hovering behind me but trust me, it’s there. And I’m not sure it’ll ever be different.

Leave me a line in the comments…what absolutely triggers you off?

xo Kat