How Has Bullying Impacted Your Life?

It would appear that I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging but I haven’t. Whenever life gets busy, my blog suffers. So, I saw this video with a young kid practically breaking down about how he’s being bullied at school. Firstly, I applaud him for speaking out. Secondly, bullying is a topic I’m deeply passionate about although I don’t always speak of my own personal struggles with it. Well, the video inspired me to share how bullying impacted my life in the last decade and a half.

I don’t think I was ever a strong person, my emotions were out of control. I allowed myself to feel deeply, and let things stab at my soul. It goes all the way back to my childhood where I really wasn’t exposed or taught to handle meanness. Then high school happened. High school happened to a lot of us, right? I didn’t know how to deal with bullying, I didn’t even understand bullying. I felt ashamed of myself that people were saying and thinking such horrific things about me. And back then, it was harder to voice an opinion about what I was dealing with. High school, all the way up until my early twenties was a downward spiral. It was like ripping my nails off trying to claw out of an angry vortex.

If you’ve ever been bullied, how have you coped with it? It was terrible before I learned how to properly deal with it. As I mentioned, I was ashamed of myself. It impacted me in such a way, I felt that I shouldn’t live, I shouldn’t exist. There was a point in my life where I wanted it to be over. I couldn’t foresee a contented future, a happy one. I began to think I didn’t deserve someone’s kindness or appreciation. Bullying impacted me so negatively, it consumed my life. Believe it or not, I started to bully myself. I started to believe I wasn’t smart enough to accomplish anything, I wasn’t good enough to be seen in public. It was painful for me to leave my house, let people see my face. I felt hideous, I felt wrong.

Bullying left a stain on me, and I could never stand up for myself, or even be myself. I found myself adopting fake personalities to be better accepted. At thirty years old, I’m now in a place where I appreciate my own differences, flaws, creativity. I’ve learned to keep away from drama and negative people. I’m an introvert as you’ll probably see from reading my blog, and I love that. I’m comfortable, contented. But it wasn’t an easy task climbing out of the darkness. I won’t lie, it’s still present some days, but I think maturity and responsibility has taught me a different perspective.

As always, thanks for reading. Have a great week ahead.

xo Kat

I Go Off The Radar on Weekends

A few years back, I would admit that I was a slave to notifications, always checking my apps, always looking to see if my comment was liked or commented on by peers or family. I’ve never been a crazy picture poster as I have always valued my privacy, but I did post more than I do now. A thing happened, a misunderstanding or miscommunication with a best friend that I had since high school and it woke something inside of me.

I realized that I really don’t need social media to exist. In fact, I loathe opening Facebook or Instagram to stare at people’s lives, miseries. I no longer have a personal Instagram, it’s more of a Bookstagram nowadays and I don’t reach for my cell phone as frequently as I did throughout the day. Don’t get me wrong, I love socializing, taking about interesting things, learning new things but I’m not that invested into people’s pictures & life stories. I appreciate bloggers who share, writers who write, readers who read, and yeah…that’s who I’ve become.

Is it a bad thing? A good thing? Perhaps it’s where i’m meant to be at this stage in my life. Bookish talks are my jam and i’ll make an effort for that, and bookstagram, but when I pick up my kid from school on Friday afternoon, I ditch the phone. It’s there for an emergency call but I don’t lug it around in my pocket. Even when I’m out it stays in my bag, not my hand.

What I’ve learned from detaching myself from the phone is that time is precious, and available when you’re not sucked into the vortex that’s Facebook.(i say FB because that’s the only personal social media I have). I’ve learned to utilize time by targeting my goals, really getting to know and develop a friendship with my children, and best of all, silence. Not everyone likes the sound of silence but I do, and I appreciate the few moments of it I get from the outside world. With each year, I also don’t find myself needing to say much on a phone call or on someone’s post. It’s often degrading to someone else, or poking fun out of someone’s appearance or shortcomings and to be frank, I never developed a taste for that.

Am I making any sense? Let me know in the comments how attached you are to your phone or if you choose to go radio silent like me in between. 🙂

As always, thanks for reading. You can find me on Twitter & Instagram by clicking the icons at the top of the page.

Xo Kat

Hovering Irritates the Daylights Out of Me

I’ve never really been conscious of this until recently and I think it stems from something in my childhood. I really hate people standing too close behind me or hovering if you will. I’m sure it happens to a lot of other people, just none that I know of personally. It may seem like such a trivial matter so I don’t always talk about it but lately, it’s been getting out of hand. And it’s not just strangers either, it’s anyone, family members etc. I don’t have this issue with my kids standing behind me, however.

Due to it’s mass effect of my life as a writer, because I sit at my computer a lot, I’ve been wanting to write about it and carefully explore why I feel this way. More than just irritating, it’s borderline aggravating and gives me anxiety. My hands start shaking and I feel this intense need to lash out, almost like I’m defending myself from something or someone. I try so hard not be this way, but I can literally tell someone to “fuck off” from just standing behind me.

I’ve been thinking about it recently and I brushed it off as maybe PMS or just lack of sleep, you know general moodiness. But there’s nothing moody about the way hovering triggers something so profound inside of me that I can’t completely comprehend or explain. I dug a little deeper into my past and my reasons for getting anxiety by a person just walking or standing behind me has become so much more clearer, although I’m no expert and maybe I’m wrong. But I think I can pinpoint a few scenarios that gave me anxiety during childhood that may have a connection.

Number one. During tests or exams, we’d have these instructors walking up and down the classroom, HOVERING over students’ shoulders, reading what they were writing. I mean come on, most of us think we’re writing crap and wouldn’t even read over our work before handing it in. Having someone hovering over your shoulder, judging and making faces while you’re writing a test that may affect your entire academic future is nerve wrecking. I think this is one of the instances where innocently, a teacher hovering put some sort of fear into me, and perhaps that’s why I’m always so embarrassed to let people read my fiction writing.

Exposure. Having someone looking over my shoulder makes me feel exposed, it really does. People are entering my personal space and from behind me where I can’t see their reactions in real time, leaves me with a feeling of vulnerability and mistrust. Perhaps, my experiences in life makes me mistrusting as well as the lack of privacy I had during childhood and teenage years. I know what you’re thinking, children don’t need privacy. Oh but they do in way. Thoughts and feelings should be private and not scrutinized. Children shouldn’t be dictated not to feel or think a certain way. I had very little control of these kind of things and for a long time I had to suppress who I really am.

It’s a far connection to feeling traumatized by someone hovering behind me but trust me, it’s there. And I’m not sure it’ll ever be different.

Leave me a line in the comments…what absolutely triggers you off?

xo Kat

How to Be A Happier You

I initially started blogging to help people who really had no one to talk to or understand them. I really wanted my troubling feelings to be able to reach out to someone and help them through whatever difficult situation they were in. I am not saying that there are people out there who don’t have worse problems than mine but I honestly wasn’t in the right mental frame for a large portion of my life. The way I saw myself, the way I hated myself and had no confidence, and a mountain of insecurities, it affected my life deeply. It impacted the way I carried about myself, the way I dealt with people and situations and it took me a very long time to really come to terms with who I am and why I should not be insecure or ashamed of being a little different. When I say different here, I mean that I don’t fit the same skin as my peers or family so I often felt like I was strongly misunderstood.

About three years back I lost a really good friend of mine. Not to death or anything of the sort, it was a misunderstanding that I still don’t understand and don’t have the energy to get into. Nevertheless it was an eye opener for me. I realized that I’m the only one who can help me be strong, who can validate my own existence. I don’t like the idea of leaning on friendships to be happy because that’s like putting the key to your happiness in someone else’s hand. And that’s not right. You have to be your own referee. Having friends is awesome and it’s helpful but it’s also very liberating and strengthening to be able to pull yourself out of deep waters.

Here’s a few things that I reassessed about my own life which helps me continuously today in making better decisions and in waking up contented with my life even though there is a lot that I could be sad or mad about.

Respect Yourself

A lot of people hate hearing the words “love yourself”, especially when they’re at a really dark place in their life. I know I hated hearing it. How can you love yourself when everything seems to be falling apart? You have to learn to respect yourself. That is a much better term for what I’m about to explain. It means that you have to accept your own existence, your own purpose the way you accept other people. You are no less than another human being. This is one of the worst kinds of mind sets you can put yourself in.

Learn Yourself

You have to reach deep into yourself and learn who you are as a person. Learn what you stand for and which direction you want your life to be headed. Once you’ve come to terms with that, you need to start weeding out all negative aspects and anything that may be a hurdle in your way. I know this sounds like a difficult thing to do but it’s doable. You have to really want that change, you have to really want to be happy to garner that drive to make these changes.

Focus on Yourself

There comes a point in your life when you really need to stop listening to what other people are saying. It’s okay to listen and incorporate good advice into your life. I’m not advocating being a rude person but if what someone is saying is troubling or harmful to you in any way, you need to filter that out. I needed to stop being concerned about other people more than I was being concerned about myself. I needed to focus on me and my goals, my kids and what’s best for them. Reading into others’ negativity really wasn’t helping anything in my life. It was creating problems in places where there were none. The best thing you can do is focus so hard on your life and goals, until you can’t hear the negativity beating at your door.

I hope you found something helpful in what I shared today. These steps have really worked for me in the last several years. It’s helped me reach a level of maturity and security that seemed so far fetched before. If you take these three points into consideration, sooner or later you’ll realize your worth and once you do, then no one can snatch your happiness away from you. My life isn’t perfect at all. Most of our lives isn’t. There’s many things I could cry about on the daily but really working on myself as a person has helped me reach a significant level of contentment.

xo Kat

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