It would appear that I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging but I haven’t. Whenever life gets busy, my blog suffers. So, I saw this video with a young kid practically breaking down about how he’s being bullied at school. Firstly, I applaud him for speaking out. Secondly, bullying is a topic I’m deeply passionate about although I don’t always speak of my own personal struggles with it. Well, the video inspired me to share how bullying impacted my life in the last decade and a half.
I don’t think I was ever a strong person, my emotions were out of control. I allowed myself to feel deeply, and let things stab at my soul. It goes all the way back to my childhood where I really wasn’t exposed or taught to handle meanness. Then high school happened. High school happened to a lot of us, right? I didn’t know how to deal with bullying, I didn’t even understand bullying. I felt ashamed of myself that people were saying and thinking such horrific things about me. And back then, it was harder to voice an opinion about what I was dealing with. High school, all the way up until my early twenties was a downward spiral. It was like ripping my nails off trying to claw out of an angry vortex.
If you’ve ever been bullied, how have you coped with it? It was terrible before I learned how to properly deal with it. As I mentioned, I was ashamed of myself. It impacted me in such a way, I felt that I shouldn’t live, I shouldn’t exist. There was a point in my life where I wanted it to be over. I couldn’t foresee a contented future, a happy one. I began to think I didn’t deserve someone’s kindness or appreciation. Bullying impacted me so negatively, it consumed my life. Believe it or not, I started to bully myself. I started to believe I wasn’t smart enough to accomplish anything, I wasn’t good enough to be seen in public. It was painful for me to leave my house, let people see my face. I felt hideous, I felt wrong.
Bullying left a stain on me, and I could never stand up for myself, or even be myself. I found myself adopting fake personalities to be better accepted. At thirty years old, I’m now in a place where I appreciate my own differences, flaws, creativity. I’ve learned to keep away from drama and negative people. I’m an introvert as you’ll probably see from reading my blog, and I love that. I’m comfortable, contented. But it wasn’t an easy task climbing out of the darkness. I won’t lie, it’s still present some days, but I think maturity and responsibility has taught me a different perspective.
As always, thanks for reading. Have a great week ahead.