Toxic People in Your Life

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I couldn’t always detect the toxicity in people, hence I allowed their venomous aura to infect my life and cause chaos. Toxic people can present themselves in a very sheep-like manner leaving you feeling like the villain for being stressed, annoyed and sometimes disgusted by them.

Not all toxic people intentionally cause harm. Sometimes they are unaware of how toxic their behavior and words are, and other times, they can revel in your destruction. It’s important to detect and filter such people from your life. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and that’s perfectly okay. The most important thing is you…and your peace of mind.

Here are some ways you can detect a toxic person in your life:

  1. Second Guessing their intentions. If you feel miserable or bothered after a conversation with someone you consider a friend, then there’s a high chance that person is probably a toxic person. You may find yourself second guessing their intentions or loyalty.
  2. Constantly putting you down. You may feel like nothing in your life will ever seem good enough in this person’s eyes. They’re constantly putting your ideas and decisions down. And in most instances it comes off as a bit of envy but you’ll also second guess that maybe your choices really aren’t good enough.
  3. Lack of Confidence. Somehow this person thrives on your lack of confidence and is happy that you see yourself as they see you. Your independence and success may tend to eject negativity out of this person.
  4. Always competing. Competition is good until a certain point but if a person is always trying to one-up on everything possible, like the way you drive or the way your eyebrows are shaped, that’s toxicity.
  5. Manipulation. You may be blamed for something that goes wrong in your life and you will eventually believe it. You may also be manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do or shouldn’t even do, and yet you feel like a horse’s ass if you don’t. You don’t owe anyone anything.
  6. No apologies. One day you may feel like you deserve an apology and it’ll never come, because that person is always right, always has the upper hand and you have to constantly prove yourself to them.
  7. No remorse. They won’t show any remorse even when they knowingly caused you harm.
  8. Their word is law. They’ll judge you for the one thing wrong about you and it’ll  outweigh all of the good things about you. They tend to exaggerate your shortcomings and make you feel inferior and incompetent.
  9. Always about them. You know how you’re that four a.m. call and there’s no one else that you can call at four a.m. when shit hits the fan in your life? Yeah, it’s always about them and it’s always going to be about them. Even when they’ve wronged you, they’ll find some narcissistic way to turn the tables and make it all…about…them.
  10. Harm. Then there’s the toxic people who blatantly cause harm to you. Backbiting, betrayal, gossiping, you name it. They cause chaos in your life, chaos among your friends or family.

In my experience, the best way to deal with toxic people is to create a distance between them and yourself. Such people aren’t your friends and don’t have your best interests at heart. If you do feel like the person isn’t completely toxic but slightly alarming, hash it out and see if it’d work but if those red flags go up…cut them loose. Anyone that treats you less than your worth or disturbs your sense of peace isn’t right for you, whether it be friends, family or a significant other. It does more harm than good to force a relation that isn’t bringing you camaraderie. The last thing you want is for all of their negative vibrations to cast a net over how you see yourself.

xo Coffee Doll

How to be a Productive Stay-At-Home Mom

One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my life was to become a Stay-At-Home-Mother. I think my two weeks postpartum depression had a lot to do with me just staying at home, depending on my husband emotionally and financially. It was a hard thing for me to do. It’s not that I wasn’t elated to spend time with my brand new baby and explore motherhood but I was always working and getting a college education, and I became a very career oriented person. I was conditioned by the atmosphere that I grew up in to equate success with having a career and making those dollars. I can’t tell you how often I’ve felt like a failure, I’ve felt miserable without any adult interaction, or I’ve locked myself in the bathroom crying because I am just overwhelmed.

These are not signs of incompetence. All mothers go through this, whether they’re working moms or stay at home moms. Parenting is as overwhelming as it is rewarding and some days it’s just hard to get out of bed and do what you have to do in your most motivated attitude.

Here are some tips that I use almost daily…

Sleep. Moms usually run on little to no sleep but as your babies get older they can sleep for longer periods and you should take advantage of that. I can’t do it every night as I have things to tend to even after they’re asleep but I do try to set an earlier bedtime for myself.

Create a schedule. Now I don’t mean account for every minute of the day but it’s a good thing to get yourself on a routine as well as your kids. Just an example, if your kid naps at noon…do something you can’t do when he or she is awake. Managing your time is essential if you want to get things done by a particular deadline.

Write down tasks. I don’t know how people survive without writing anything down, I literally need to write my life on paper and read it as it happens.

Do Less. Break your bigger tasks into smaller ones. Do NOT attempt to do everything in one day. Don’t clean the entire house on Saturday and overwhelm yourself. That gives me anxiety. Every day, do a little, do one room even.

Map out your week. Browse through your list, plan your meals and activities beforehand so when the day comes, you’re not second guessing anything. Meal prep if you have to.

Get up before your kids. I cherish those few minutes with my hot cup of coffee before they wake up. I can’t even begin to describe how it keeps my sanity at bay when I start my day without the shouting and chaos. By the time they’re awake, supermom is ready for action.

Set goals for yourself. Even though you’re not working at an office or doing a paid job, you can still set goals for yourself. For instance you may want to focus on your health, so get into it. Join a gym or gather some friends and work out at home. Maybe you’re a painter or musician. Set a goal of what you would like to accomplish and just do it! For me, I write, I blog 🙂

Communicate with your partner. Communication in a relationship is key. Being a stay at home mom, you may sometimes resent your partner or feel like they’re not paying attention to you. You may get into arguments about petty things and just generally annoy each other, especially when you feel like your partner should do more to help around the house and with the kids. It’s good to establish a communication channel between you and your partner.

Have your own hobby. As a wife who has no similar interests to her husband, I enjoy having my hobbies to myself. It’s my “me time.” Yes we do need alone time with our partners but as a mom, we do need alone with without another human being in our space.

Get out. Everyone needs that adult interaction. Being stuck with kids 24/7 can make you lose sense of yourself so take some time, whether it’s a date with hubby or gal pals and just let your hair down. Because I don’t have much adult interaction, I swap out for dates with my kids 🙂 It’s still fun to get out and do something.

Play with your kids. We get caught up enforcing rules, yelling to keep everyone in line and we often forget how fun it is to spend that much time with our kids. Get off your cellphones, get down and dirty with your children. You’ll be surprised to know how much they just want to spend time with you.

Last but not least, drink lots and lots of coffee 🙂

xo Coffee Doll