My Strange Addiction to Paper

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After I learned that this was an actual thing, I can be a little open about it. I’d often think that there was something wrong with me. Something childish that I never grew out of or just something completely ridiculous and it does still seem so, but it’s an actual thing and other people enjoy it as well.

So ever since I was a child, I would enjoy flipping through books, like all of the pages and smelling them. This is pretty normal, right? Everyone does it from time to time, especially avid readers like myself. Well here’s where it got confusing for me. I love to just sit and flip pages, each and every one of them until I reach to the end of the book and then flip them all the way back to the beginning. And while I’m watching TV or studying I keep doing this over and over and over, flipping back and forth.

I especially enjoy the feel of the paper against my fingers and the sound it makes, as well as the sound of the page turning. I can’t explain it, but I love it. I couldn’t make a connection whether it was therapeutic or relaxing to me until recently. I do this a lot in private and when my husband or anyone walks in, I quickly shut the book or pretend I was reading it, because I feel stupid about flipping pages for no reason.

A few months ago I was looking for a video on calming sounds on Youtube, I just love the sound of rain falling and thunder so I was looking. I then came across a video with a woman flipping pages of a telephone book or a magazine. It was labelled ASMR Page Turning. My curiosity of course got the better of me because it was still a strange thing to me at that time so I scrolled down to the comments and it was mind blowing how many people found this relaxing. It was amazing to me that people enjoyed different kinds of paper sounds whether it be thick, or newspaper etc.

I’ve never discussed my little habit with anyone before as I think I’ll still get some weird stares. Only people who share the same love of page turning will totally get this. Let me know what sounds relax you!

Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is a tingly experience characterized by a static-like or tingling sensation on the skin that typically begins on the scalp and moves down the back of the neck and upper spine, precipitating relaxation. (SOURCE: Wikipedia)

xo Coffee Doll

Image: Pixabay.com

Why My Facebook Activity Has Declined Significantly

A few years ago I’ve started recognizing people’s lack of ability to respect others’ space even on a social media platform. I’d share entertaining posts, posts that related to me on a personal level, posts that made me angry or sad…basically I’d share my opinions on a lot of things.

I would think that MY profile is my own to do as I wish and it’s nobody’s business if they approve or not of what I post. But this isn’t the case. As the years progress, it’s getting even worse. Anything can offend anyone and believe me when I say everything offends someone.

I don’t check my notifications as often as before, actually I dread opening my app now. The bad news puts me off but it’s a part of life, something we can’t completely hide from. But it’s the stupidity and the ignoramuses behind their keyboards who feel like it’s their duty to dictate what the content of another person’s comment is. It’s the bullying, the shaming, the lack of respect for differences. It’s sickening to a point where I feel like I’d love to delete the app some day. But I do use it as a means to keep in contact with friends and family living on a different continent.

I’ve removed my children’s photos from FB now as I don’t even wish to socialize on that level. I don’t have strangers on my friends list either, it’s either people I’ve gone to school with or were acquainted with, and family. And yet it’s easier to use platforms like WordPress, Twitter, Instagram with a pseudonym and get my opinions across. People choose whether they want to read my content or not and move on. Ugh, I hate to rant in my first post for the week. Does anyone else have this problem with expressing your opinions and being attacked for it?

xo Coffee Doll

A Day in the Life of a Diabetic Part 2

It’s seven a.m. and I’m faced with a dilemma. To eat or not to eat. I roll of the bed and start moving around. I look at the clock and it’s suddenly 7:18 a.m. I accomplish nothing important in eighteen minutes.

I’m thinking again, do I have a cup of coffee or do I risk a dizzy spell and get my preschooler to school early. I could never be one of those sprightly morning people, yet I do love getting things done early. My day seems to fit better.

I decide against the coffee before school drop off, and wake my four year old. I duck into the kitchen to warm milk for the baby before I wake her up. It saves me some wailing if it’s ready and waiting when she wakes up. I walk back into the kids’ bedroom and my firstborn is still fast asleep, ignoring my soft voice telling her it’s time to get ready for school.

I’m astonished that I’m not yet falling apart as I’ve had about three hours rest the night before. The younger child is totally unpredictable and it often weighs on my sanity. My body is moving around briskly and efficiently this morning, and I don’t want to think too hard of it in fear I jinx myself.

Twenty minutes until we leave the house and one child is half ready. My stomach isn’t churning which I’m grateful for and I have the energy of someone two hours before bedtime.

I’m usually perspiring at this time and tend to under-dress even though it’s below zero outside. It’s a windy morning and I don’t wear any extra clothing underneath my coat. I load everyone up in the double stroller and proceed to the preschool which stands a couple blocks from our house. I skid quite a bit this morning. Four days ago we had a snow day and as per usual, the lackadaisical residents of my city don’t shovel snow the way it’s suppose to be shoveled.

My hand is both numb and burning from the iciness in the air. The baby starts crying as the icy wind cuts into her delicate face and hands. I’ve tried to keep gloves on her but to no avail, she keeps ripping them off. Most days I don’t realize because I’m focused on the journey to and from school.

There’s four flights of stairs to climb, with a twenty-five pound toddler on one arm. I sigh and curse the day I signed my child up for this school. There is an elevator, which is only used for kitchen services. Humans with their own free will still take it, as do I on days that I physically can’t make the stairs. But there’s a woman at the school, a villain in my day. I dread running into her because I sometimes wish to use the elevator but she flies into my face and it reminds me of a bat opening it’s wings. Then she spews her venom and accuse me of not understanding a basic sign in English.

I want to retaliate in my best vocabulary and irritated tone but I decide against arguing with fools in a children’s environment. She isn’t worth my effort, especially when it’s taking me all of my will power and physicality to stay standing at this point. I hurriedly lead my child to her classroom and want to shout, “Yay!” Half of the hassle is over with. Now to descend those vicious stairs in which I fear my toddler will catapult into the air.

I huff and I puff and make my way down the stairs with my wriggling toddler sitting on my burning forearm. I can feel the heat emanating from my body and being trapped beneath my jacket. My hairline is slightly drenched and I wish to be out in the open where it’s cold. The heat of my body makes me want to pass out.

When I open the door to exit the school, the biting coldness makes it’s way through my skull and my brain stops for a split second. My eyes can’t focus on any one thing for too long. I tell myself, one way home, no detours. Coffee, breakfast and medicines.

xo

© Coffee Doll All Rights Reserved

 

 

Toxic People in Your Life

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I couldn’t always detect the toxicity in people, hence I allowed their venomous aura to infect my life and cause chaos. Toxic people can present themselves in a very sheep-like manner leaving you feeling like the villain for being stressed, annoyed and sometimes disgusted by them.

Not all toxic people intentionally cause harm. Sometimes they are unaware of how toxic their behavior and words are, and other times, they can revel in your destruction. It’s important to detect and filter such people from your life. Not everyone is meant to be in your life and that’s perfectly okay. The most important thing is you…and your peace of mind.

Here are some ways you can detect a toxic person in your life:

  1. Second Guessing their intentions. If you feel miserable or bothered after a conversation with someone you consider a friend, then there’s a high chance that person is probably a toxic person. You may find yourself second guessing their intentions or loyalty.
  2. Constantly putting you down. You may feel like nothing in your life will ever seem good enough in this person’s eyes. They’re constantly putting your ideas and decisions down. And in most instances it comes off as a bit of envy but you’ll also second guess that maybe your choices really aren’t good enough.
  3. Lack of Confidence. Somehow this person thrives on your lack of confidence and is happy that you see yourself as they see you. Your independence and success may tend to eject negativity out of this person.
  4. Always competing. Competition is good until a certain point but if a person is always trying to one-up on everything possible, like the way you drive or the way your eyebrows are shaped, that’s toxicity.
  5. Manipulation. You may be blamed for something that goes wrong in your life and you will eventually believe it. You may also be manipulated into doing things you don’t want to do or shouldn’t even do, and yet you feel like a horse’s ass if you don’t. You don’t owe anyone anything.
  6. No apologies. One day you may feel like you deserve an apology and it’ll never come, because that person is always right, always has the upper hand and you have to constantly prove yourself to them.
  7. No remorse. They won’t show any remorse even when they knowingly caused you harm.
  8. Their word is law. They’ll judge you for the one thing wrong about you and it’ll  outweigh all of the good things about you. They tend to exaggerate your shortcomings and make you feel inferior and incompetent.
  9. Always about them. You know how you’re that four a.m. call and there’s no one else that you can call at four a.m. when shit hits the fan in your life? Yeah, it’s always about them and it’s always going to be about them. Even when they’ve wronged you, they’ll find some narcissistic way to turn the tables and make it all…about…them.
  10. Harm. Then there’s the toxic people who blatantly cause harm to you. Backbiting, betrayal, gossiping, you name it. They cause chaos in your life, chaos among your friends or family.

In my experience, the best way to deal with toxic people is to create a distance between them and yourself. Such people aren’t your friends and don’t have your best interests at heart. If you do feel like the person isn’t completely toxic but slightly alarming, hash it out and see if it’d work but if those red flags go up…cut them loose. Anyone that treats you less than your worth or disturbs your sense of peace isn’t right for you, whether it be friends, family or a significant other. It does more harm than good to force a relation that isn’t bringing you camaraderie. The last thing you want is for all of their negative vibrations to cast a net over how you see yourself.

xo Coffee Doll

World Building As a Child

Until not too long ago, I thought something was wrong with me. I was actually embarrassed of the extent to which I created imaginary worlds and friends since childhood. Like any child, I did a lot of pretend play with my dolls, toys and I created imaginary friends.

I thought all of this was a normal thing to do because most children did it and it was normal. No doubt about that. But then I started keeping a journal of people’s names and descriptions and what they did on a daily basis. I think the last time that I saw that journal I was around fourteen years old and by that time I had over one hundred names in it.

I hid this book very well, though I’m not quite sure how I had misplaced it. Into adolescence I retained a lot of what I created in my head and I thought it was a childish thing to keep entertaining so I didn’t miss the book. But growing up, I had this fear inside of me that I’d lose memory of every little thing that I wrote down in this book. I was deeply attached to whatever characters and stories I had created.

Some worlds that I created was sci-fi or fantasy based. I remember getting a tiny finger sized alien figurine from an arcade and I built an entire world and story based on him. It was entertaining to review those scenes in my head. I really had some type of fun with all of this.

The biggest world I created is one like this one that we live in. There was an entire system in place. Families, people connected to one another. Whatever job you can think of, I had a character that did it. There was also an entire school system, a hospital and people who worked and lived there. I’d have been mortified if anyone found that book and read it.

Fast forward to years later, and that world flickered in my mind, so I decided to google world building. I can’t exactly remember what words I used in the search but it definitely wasn’t world building. I found out that this is quite a common thing among people, especially writers. That definitely piqued my interest as I’ve always wanted to write stories. I will detail in another post the history of my love of storytelling.

For a while I thought it was an unhealthy thing to use my imagination so hard but it’s how I escaped life, escaped this world so I could create my own reality where I felt like someone significant. Just to add in, I was a sad and insecure child and teenager. Depression hit me hard and I felt like everyone around me loathed my existence, so I then began to loathe my existence to the point that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore.

I think subconsciously I imagined an entire world where I could be myself, where I could be free from whatever held me back. A place where things happened fairly and people weren’t so mean. And I believe that a lot of my characters stem from something deep within me, parts that always have something to articulate.

xo Coffee Doll